I use the term “Big Feelings” to describe emotions that are often difficult to handle, like sadness, fear, grief, and other challenging emotions. On the flip side, feelings like joy, love, and satisfaction are also considered “Big Feelings,” but they’re usually easier to express. Some people may hesitate to share negative emotions because they worry about burdening others or dampening the mood. However, it’s important to talk about these feelings because it helps strengthen bonds and foster genuine connections. Sharing our “Big Feelings” with others is key to building authentic relationships.
We can often share big emotions, but we end up intellectualizing rather than feeling them.
It means to turn feelings into mental experiences, whether to understand why something is happening or find a solution. It can be useful to intellectualize conflict in order to avoid blaming others or better understand yourself and your experience. When someone uses logic and reason to escape uncomfortable feelings, it becomes problematic.
You can share your big feelings with others more easily by using these 5 tools:
Select who you want to share with
You will need to be discerning about the person you trust. These tips will help you identify someone who is trustworthy to speak to.
- You can tell that they are interested in you when you ask them how they feel or about your day.
- They will respond by confirming what you said or offering their own experiences.
- It is rare that they tell stories about others
- The secretiveness of the people around them is not revealed without their consent
- Talk about your role, and not only other people’s.
- The Big Feelings of sadness, anger and worry
- The don’t make bad comments about groups as a group
- Since you already have a relationship, it is likely that your conversation has been about other topics.
Take a sip
It is called titration. It means that you acknowledge the feelings in small doses, rather than being overwhelmed by them. Imagine that your feeling is in a large pot. This big pot is all there is to feeling. Take a spoon, and then slurp the flavor (unless it’s rude to slurp). That’s it. It’s not necessary to jump into the pot or eat a whole bowl. Sip slowly and start with one spoon. This is a wading pool, not a jumping one.
Here’s where you can confide in another person. It might be a way to break the ice. This could even be a way to bring up a taboo subject. It could be that you are going against what is expected. The risk is there, but the reward will be worth it. Focusing on the emotion itself, rather than the story or meaning that you give it is how you lead with feeling. It’s the hardest part. These are some great tips to break the ice.
- Sighing before answering a question will let the person know that you don’t feel well.
- You can use a common greeting. “Dude, don’t ask me what I feel. I just have a feeling of …”
- Direct yourself: “To be honest, I am …”.
You can certainly give a few sentences in order to set the context for your partner, but do not get distracted. Keep your spoon handy.
If you don’t know how to express your emotions, read ‘s blog about the steps you can take to feel them.
It can be so common to intellectualize that we expect you to have an answer for the feelings you are experiencing even before you feel them. What will you do to make the feeling go away? It’s not necessary to know. It’s not necessary to create a complex plan. Stay close to your feelings. Try different words to convey that you are not looking for a fix right now, but rather a titration.
5. Observe the discussion as it happens
Maybe someone will say, “Me too…I’ve felt the same way.” Or maybe not. Here are a few points to keep in mind during the discussion if they say yes:
- As you share, return to the pot repeatedly with your spoon.
- Be aware of the language used. You are intellectualizing if you talk about high-level strategizing or theories, or if you plan how someone could act differently to make the feelings go away.
- Look for simple and deep truths. Conversations that focus on human experience are often a sign that they’re in the right direction.
- Be sure to notice the spoons and contents in their pot that they give you and then respond accordingly. Take a break if you’re not sure what to say. Say: “I am so happy we are talking about it.” You may find it difficult to discuss. “I care deeply about you even though I don’t fully understand what your situation is.” “I want to help.”
These conversations are more vulnerable. After you’ve shared with someone your Big Feelings in a mutually receptive way, the tone of the conversation will naturally change. After doing all the emotional work, you might be a little tired. The conversation may also naturally shift to a more humorous topic and be spontaneous. You may feel more comfortable around one another if you can see your humanity.
If it does not work, you can try again.
Every new strategy carries a certain amount of risk. It is for a good reason that patterns are ingrained. Avoiding pain, rejection or risk makes perfect sense. It’s fine to reach out again if, for any reason, the person you’re opening up to doesn’t react or attempt to thaw the ice. It’s possible they didn’t notice the first time.
You can try it with a friend or a group of people that you are not familiar with. Risk taking is important. Risk is necessary for growth and reward.