We might question if our expectations are too high when our relationship doesn’t unfold as we had planned or hoped for.
We can divide our expectations into standards, which are things we believe everyone should demand in a relationship, and preferences, which are things each individual prefers. For example, you might feel that someone should write love letters, while I may think that they need to have a stylish sense of fashion. We both agreed that honesty, respect and trust are the standards of a good relationship.
Some of us have difficulty separating the two. Sometimes, high standards are confused with poor quality beliefs.
In my early 20s, I briefly dated someone who was always late in responding to text messages and rarely called. At the time, I thought that asking him to be more communicative when we weren’t together was too much. He was responsive when he met me. Now I know he can’t fulfill my needs.
What is a reasonable expectation in a romantic relationship?
What would you say are your “non-negotiables”?
For example, I will not negotiate with you on:
- Fidelity– I demand exclusivity, honesty and trust.
- Attraction to the physical
- A good communicator is someone who can express themselves freely.
- An Effort is a willingness and ability to work with friends, family and to do things that I enjoy.
- To be treated well means to love and respect me for who I am.
- Ambition is the desire to reach goals.
- Commitment: not giving up if things get stale, keeping the relationship exciting and fun, never letting it go dull or distant.
- Wellness Someone who doesn’t eat take-out, prepared meals or other processed foods every night.
These are the standards I hold for myself and others. These are standards that I hold when I am with someone.
Your wellbeing and care are supported by reasonable expectations. You may want to find someone with a similar income, who wants a spouse, or can hug your cat or dog.
What are some signs that your relationship expectations may be too high?
It’s not a problem to have high expectations. They don’t necessarily mean that you will always be disappointed, or too fussy. Our expectations can reveal how we view ourselves. It makes sense then that my expectations are high. I won’t settle for anything less than what I expect.
When we feel that what we desire is unrealistic, it becomes a problem. We have unrealistic expectations.
This is usually an idealized person: someone perfect who will always be available, who communicates effectively, who plans amazing dates and who agrees to your political views.
Some unrealistic expectations are based on very specific traits: A particular height, appearance, style, salary, or body. is not wrong to want a partner who looks like a stereotype, or has a high salary. These physical characteristics can limit your chances of finding a partner and stop you connecting with others who would otherwise be suitable. Your’soulmate,’ for example, may not look the way that your standards dictate.
What are the causes of our high expectations?
Relationship counsellor Natasha Silverman says that high expectations are linked to self-worth. You may create a list of demands if you have low self-esteem. This is because you believe that you will feel better if you date someone with a high status.
Natasha says that expectations may also come from a fear of “getting it right”. You may think that if you are looking to get married, certain criteria will prevent you from dating wrong people.
We are still separate individuals, even though our partners (in certain ways) extend us. No one can fix our problems, take care of our fears or feel responsible for our feelings.
When I first started dating, I dated men who I believed could “make up” for the things I was lacking. I thought I had to date someone outspoken and loud because I was quiet and uncomfortable. In my early dating years, when I had no idea what career to pursue and was having financial difficulties, I desired someone who made a lot of money. When I was 19, I wanted a man who would be into exercise, even though I had chocolate and toast for dinner. They were not qualities that would help me achieve my relationship goals, but traits that could be used to mask my insecurities.
When I see my boyfriend, I think he’s perfect for me. He’s definitely not interested in social media, blogging or old movies. He’ll still support me in my blogging, take me to museums and show an interest. And he will watch a movie I like that he does not (even if it means playing a game while watching).
There is no one solution that fits all. Finding the balance is key.
Do you need to lower your standards?
Consider whether you are realistic and attainable in your expectations.
John Gottman of The Gottman Institute says we should aim for “good enough relationships”. We have high standards for the way we are treated (respect and loyalty). We don’t want our partners to be the ones who solve our problems, and we know that conflicts are inevitable. The Good Enough concept is all about learning how to manage conflicts and repairs and compromise.
When I observe people, they often have expectations of their partners that are not verbalized. People will expect flowers for Valentine’s Day or jewelry at Christmas. The partner will want to be more spontaneous, or offer more compliments. No one can read your mind, no matter how well they know you.
You should tell your partner if you think your expectations in a relationship are high. Discuss the expectations you both have. Everyone has different beliefs about what makes a good relationship.