Navigating communication hurdles is a common challenge in many relationships. It’s natural to feel disheartened when you sense that your partner doesn’t truly understand you, leading to a sense of disconnection. In this article, we’ll explore five effective communication techniques for couples.
By honing these healthy communication skills, you can significantly enhance your relationship, building trust and fostering a deeper emotional connection with your partner.
To improve communication, you need to do more than just follow the stereotypical advice of using “I” statements or saying a positive statement for every negative. It is not as simple as reading a self-help guide and resolving to use the tips when you disagree. We need to dig a bit deeper to understand that everyone has automatic reactions. With a little patience, we can change them.
If you pay attention, all couples are caught in a “cycle of conflict” that is unique to them. Arguments about small or big issues will play out the same. My work with couples helps couples to identify this cycle, understand it, and then communicate in a different way.
Couples Communication: 5 Skills to Improve Your Relationship
You can use my top five communication skills for couples right away. This is an area that most couples could improve. Remember that these changes are like building new muscles, and require patience from both you and your partner.
1. Slow down
In conflict, most couples increase their pace and tone. It’s what I call “a ping pong game”. Both of you are hurling things so quickly that nobody can catch anything. As soon as you notice this, slow down. You can do this by limiting each other’s responses to one or two sentences. Slowing down will help calm your nervous system, and you’ll be able to respond more thoughtfully.
2. Dive Below Anger
Anger is an emotion that comes up quickly in conflicts and can be a place where you get stuck. Often, anger masks fears, wants, or needs. You can try expressing these feelings and wishes instead by pausing to check in and noticing them.
3. Switch sides
A strategy that I like to use with couples is to have them switch sides. If you find yourself in a bind, take a paper and note down the main points of disagreement from your partner’s perspective. What do they want, need, say, etc.? Stepping in their shoes and hearing their side of the argument can give you a new perspective.
4. Rewind and Re-Do
You got into the cycle of conflict, and it was just as usual? It’s okay, just think of what you would have done or said differently. Then go back and do it. Once the argument is over and the tempers are cooled, you can always go back and have the conversation again. You’ll become more adept at implementing these new methods in the present moment the more you practice.
5. Know Your Position
Arguments with your partner can be distressing, and to protect your relationship, people choose between two options: withdraw or pursue. The withdrawer will leave the conversation to avoid it escalating. The pursuer is eager to solve the issue and talk. Both parties have the best of intentions to end the argument, but often withdrawing triggers both the pursuer and withdrawer. This creates a difficult situation. Understanding your position in disagreements, and how to express it in a non-conflict situation is the first step to breaking this cycle.