It is difficult to take the first step in couples therapy. Many couples delay seeking help , until they find themselves in a crisis. They come to my office online in a state of panic, feeling angry, helpless, and ready to end their relationship. The delay and the accumulated distress make it much more difficult to get help than if you sought it as soon as problems were first noticed. This article will discuss couples counseling.
It is not necessary to suffer, often for many years, from stressful relationship problems. I would tell couples to begin couples therapy as soon as possible. As you would take care of your health by visiting the dentist, doctor or gym, maintaining a healthy relationship is essential to living a happy and fulfilling life.
Marriage counseling does not mean you are in a bad relationship or that your marriage is in trouble. You and most couples would benefit from learning new ways to communicate with each other. As you would require nutrition and exercise guidance to achieve 6-pack abs you will also need specialized guidance in order to build healthy relationship “muscles”.
Couples counseling: When should you consider it?
How can you tell when couples counseling is appropriate? Consider these factors:
80/20 Rule
Your relationship should be smooth and enjoyable 80% of time. We all need some leeway to allow for fatigue, stress, and other factors. Other 20% may only be minor bumps or conflicts and not major arguments.
Consistency and predictability
Healthy relationships are predictable and consistent, which is a sign of security. All relationships will have ups and lows, good times and challenging ones, but the fluctuations should not be extreme. You need to get help if your relationship has moments of yelling and swearing, calling names, threats, violence, withdrawal, refusing to talk, or shutting your partner out.
Off Limit Topics
Are you comfortable discussing any topic with your partner, or do you avoid certain topics, consciously or unconsciously,? Feeling comfortable enough to discuss anything with your partner without feeling like you’re being dismissed, unheard, or misunderstood is a key component of a healthy partnership.
Couples counseling: Next steps
You might ask, “Does marriage counseling work?” My answer to that question is a resounding “yes”! With a few caveats. Couples therapy can improve your relationship if you’re willing to put in the effort. You need to be consistent in attending sessions and willing to discuss difficult topics. Marriage counseling can be hard work, just like trying to achieve 6-pack abs. Many of the changes take place behind the scenes and are not visible until later.
The key to success is finding the right couple’s therapist. I suggest therapists who use Emotionally-Focused Therapy. You can also do a phone consult with several different therapists and see how they feel. Your couples therapist will have to deal with the most sensitive and important part of your life, so you should feel comfortable and safe.