Navigating Difficult Conversations: Strategies for Safely Discussing Relationship Matters with Your Partner
Charles & Valentina
Valentina’s concerns were validated, leaving her in a state of shock. Charles had been denying that anything was wrong for some time. She saw Charles texting someone with an unusual smile. He claimed that everything was okay. The next morning, when she checked her phone, there were texts and emails from a woman which clearly showed he had an affair.
He immediately admitted to it when she confronted her. Charles and Valentina had a difficult week, but they then decided to really work on their relationship. Charles and Valentina agreed to end all contact with the woman, but they also committed to work together in order to repair what happened. Every time she tried to speak, Valentina was overwhelmed with all of the anger and hurt that was in her.
Her stomach would turn into a tight knot. She started screaming and yelling when she felt her heart racing. She would curse and shout. She felt overwhelmed by emotions. She knew Charles well, but she was careful not to overwhelm him. She was aware that she needed to remain calm to be able to talk to him. She could not control herself.
Charles was almost always rushing out the door when Valentina began to talk to him, even though they had agreed to discuss this and he wanted Valentina’s marriage to succeed. His body would twitch with an urge to get out of the room. He would see his vision start to get black, and would be almost unable to hear her. He felt himself shutting down, panicking, and like he had to leave.
Valentina and Charles tried to talk to each other about Charles’ affair but couldn’t.
Scott & Barbara
Scott could feel the blood draining from his face while seated next to his wife Barbara at his nephew’s wedding. Despite feeling comfortable with each other, he felt they had grown apart over the last few years. He thought that it was natural for two people who were busy with their two jobs, and had a family full of children to become distant.
The night before the wedding they stayed at a romantic, beautiful bed and breakfast, and neither Barbara nor Scott had shown any sign that they would consider making love. Then, at the wedding they sat next to Barbara and did not hold hands. They listened as Scott’s niece and her partner exchanged vows.
Scott became shocked at the realization that he had lost touch with Barbara since their marriage. Scott remembered how important and meaningful it was for him to write his vows. He also remembered how much care and time he took to craft vows to convey love to Barbara and to everyone else who loved her.
Sitting next to her at the wedding of his nephew, Scott realized how far apart they’d become. Scott was eager to share this story with Barbara when they returned home. Every time Scott tried to speak, his throat would close. His speech would become stumbling. He would feel a ringing sound in his ears and have a feeling like panic.
Every time Barbara saw Scott trying to talk to her, she would cry. Although she didn’t know what was happening, her worst fear was that Scott wanted to say goodbye to her. She was terrified. She would have butterflies in her stomach and feel the heartbeat at the top of her sternum. She was unable to breathe.
Scott would always stop in his tracks when the tears started to flow. Even though Barbara and Scott tried to overcome the distance between them that had grown over these many years, their efforts were unsuccessful.
Tim & Vic
Tim woke up at night, afraid that his relationship might not be able to recover. Since the fight they’d had over Thanksgiving, he and Vic had been fighting constantly.
The two were trying their best to be reasonable adults, to explain what happened during the Thanksgiving episode. They also wanted to move forward. Tim was flooded by memories every time they tried to speak about the horrible things Vic said to him on that Thanksgiving weekend. He would also feel his muscles clench and bunch up in his arms, and back. He would clench his jaw, partially to try to bite down the words that he didn’t want to say. He was unable to hold a clear and reasonable discussion.
Vic was angry at Vic’s repeated anger over the events that led to the Thanksgiving episode. He felt it on the chest, and also in his neck. He felt like his veins throbbed and pulsed and he just wanted Tim to stop talking.
These attempts by Vic and Tim to talk calmly and rationally about what happened, and then discuss it in a reasonable manner, kept failing and scaring them both. The two were worried that their relationship would never be repaired.
Three couples with three stories each, and three communication patterns.
They all share one commonality that you and your partner probably also have. The people tried to talk to each other, but once their bodies were overwhelmed they could no longer have an honest conversation.
They either shut down, became afraid, and left, or became angry, hurt, and regretted what they said.
They couldn’t connect to create a healthy relationship, despite their efforts to overcome the challenges. The couple didn’t trust each other.
Here is one step they had to do before they were able to have a conversation that was safe:
Relaxing their body is important.
If you or your partner are feeling overpowered, it is difficult to maintain a safe and good conversation. It’s a fact.
There’s an easy solution. It’s a very pleasant one!
Relax so you can talk
First, you need to identify what makes you feel relaxed.
What has been relaxing in your life? Or what can you do to relax yourself more easily? What helps you to relax when your mind is racing, your body is tight, your muscles are tense or your heart is beating?
Some people enjoy a warm bath or shower.
Others may prefer to listen to guided relaxation.
Some people color.
Others may prefer to meditate, pray or do some relaxing yoga.
Find out what you are.
Then,relaxation is the second step of
It is important to learn how to relax the body throughout your daily routine, and not just when you are already stressed. Practice this relaxation method a few times per week to help your body learn how to relax.
Last,relax or take a short break before you talk
Relax before you have an important conversation. If you are in the middle a conversation, but you feel overwhelmed and upset, you can stop the conversation, go to another room, relax and come back. This will help you have a better conversation.
Relaxing your body is the best way to maintain a good and safe conversation when you are upset or with your partner. Find out what relaxes you. Use it whenever you feel upset.
Take a breather, relax, and stop talking. One simple step could make all the difference to your relationship, and even your stress level! Relaxation has many benefits. Make it a daily habit.
You’ve taken steps towards a successful relationship, and that’s great. But it’s not over yet.